Bonjourisme

"The French culture is a relational one." At first, I found this statement to be a little provocative, but since returning to the Domaine l'Estuaire, I am reminded about the most basic aspect of French culture upon which the whole society rests, something I call "le bonjourisme". (the French like to use lots of -ismes).

In almost every situation where it is appropriate to speak to someone else in France, the interaction will begin with a friendly "Bonjour!" or some variation. This is the first thing you say to your coworkers upon seeing them each and every day. The first thing you say to the cashier before paying for groceries, buying a ticket, purchasing a crêpe on the street, etc. This one word embodies the relational aspect of French culture, and it conveys to others that you are acknowledging them in your shared situation.

The words "shared situation" are important ones. While it's pretty out of the ordinary to randomly speak to strangers in France, say on a train or at a bus stop, it is expected that you say "Bonjour" when you walk into a small shop, café or other business, like the local laundromat. You probably wouldn't speak to someone standing at a bus stop, but if it happened to be raining or cold and you had to enter the little shelter where others were already standing, then it would be expected to say "bonjour", even if only under your breath, because the rain or cold has brought you together.

Some might think that this is not very different from American culture, but I would disagree. In the US, it's common for the cashier to say hello and maybe even carry on a small conversation. But, you may also say hi to a stranger you pass on the way to work or strike up a conversation with someone sitting next to you on the bus. Without saying this never happens in France, it is very uncommon and outside of social norms. At the same time, in France it is likely you will spend hours at a friend's house if you are invited over for dinner. What does this say about the French? I think it says that they are more relational than we are. Americans, outside of maybe New York or Chicago, are generally friendly people, but I think there is a difference between being friendly and being relational.

The French have fewer relationships than we do, but the ones they have go much deeper and are more longterm than many of our own. They are a people who appreciate spontaneity, but avoid superficiality. If a French person has reason to believe your friendship was disingenuous or was extended for motives other than the relationship itself, they are likely going to feel betrayed. As a relational person myself, I appreciate this. I love that they avoid saying hello when it is superficial but intentionally and consistently say hello when the circumstances warrant it. It also makes me wonder if the Americans who come back with stories about the "rude French" ever tried just saying "Bonjour!"